What Is The Problem?
So this is kind of a topic that really sparks a flame inside of me. Why? Because healing is messy but worth it in the end.
I am currently reading a book called , “The mountain is you.” Yes it’s a self help book but I love the way it helps. Often, we don’t look at ourselves in the equation. We will blame the other person but not pay attention to the fact that we aided in the chaos. Self defense is what we resort to before we even realize what is happening. As small children emotions are too big for us to handle alone. We don’t know why this stuff is happening or how to deal with what is happening.
Manipulation, gaslighting, and dismissiveness are examples of self defense tactics that we learn and build as children to protect ourselves from big feelings. Feelings that we do not know how to handle. We are placed in situations like absent parents, neglect emotionally and physically. Trauma is things that are to overwhelming for a child to process or witness. Plus, kids do not have the dichotomy to not internalize or personalize these situations.
What Am I Doing Wrong?
I touched on some issues we face with ourselves in another post. But i want to really look at self defense mechanisms. Reading all the ways we choose to protect our mental is wild to me. As a child, we learn that this will protect us and we stay there. Never revisiting to unpack the situation and process now that we are of age and able to handle that influx of emotion.
Self Defense Mechanisms
- Projection
- Reaction Formation
- Repression
- Sublimation
- Rationalization
- Displacement
These are some of the more common self-defense mechanisms. These do not mean you are imperfect and change is possible and inevitable sometimes.
Projection-is unconsciously taking unwanted emotions or traits that you don’t like within yourself and giving those traits to someone else.
Denial-the refusal to accept the painful facts of a situation
Reaction Formation-this where a person goes beyond denial and behaves in the opposite way to what one thinks or feels
Repression-to remove distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings from the conscious mind.
Sublimation-Taking unacceptable feelings, desires, and impulses into positive and socially acceptable activity
Rationalization-logical reasons we use to justify behavior that is motivated by unconscious reasons
Displacement-when someone redirects a negative emotion from it’s original cause to a less threatening person, place, or thing
What Does This All Mean?
As a result of trauma, we build up toxic traits. They once served a purpose but hurt us immensely as adults. Do you resonate with any from the list above? I know I do! Thankfully, we do not have to continue like this. However, the journey is long but nonetheless worth it.
Where Do We Start?
Firstly, we will have to recognize where the trauma started. We have to look back to where we can remember and process that trauma. At the same time, talk to your younger self and let them know you are safe. Speak to yourself like you wish someone spoke to you all those years ago. Inner child work is an excellent place to start on this journey. Until now, this trauma was trapped inside your body and fueling your unconscious mind. For that reason, you are going to have to feel the uncomfortable feelings in process that trauma out.
Okay, What’s Next?
Secondly, you have to recognize your triggers. Identifying what causes these behaviors and then noticing them is a step in the right direction. It is here that we start to see ourselves more. Not only see ourselves, but understand ourselves. It is important for self-awareness to gain clarity on why we behave this way. For example, if you come from a verbally abusive home, someone raising their voice at you may be triggering. On the other hand, if you come from emotionally neglectful parents, arguments may cause you to shutdown. Learning these things will help you better deal with triggers.
The Best Option
In this situation, I highly recommend therapy. Primarily because this is such a hard thing to do, having some guidance is wonderful. Therapy can help repair past, present, and future. We all need the help sometimes and everything is confidential. You can go in office and say whatever, and it will not leave, Sounds like a good release to me!
